Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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