Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Randomize
