True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
