just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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