I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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