I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
