Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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