I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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