We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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