i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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