new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
