Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
