yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
