I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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