i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
