I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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