why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I did not marry a roomba.
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