The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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