i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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