Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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