i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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