no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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