thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
