I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I need a beard to bite.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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