I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
