literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
