By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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