Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Randomize
