If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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