i was rollin on her like bob the builder
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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