There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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