He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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