She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
