I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
