The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
