his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Randomize
