I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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