I think im going to throw up on grandma
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
