she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
