So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
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