There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
