My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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