We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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