Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
