If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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