he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
