i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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