You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
