i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Houston, we have a blender
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
