My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
