how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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