I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
