Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
