Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
