He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
